J. Things to Look for in a Marriage Counselor

• The therapist has earned a good reputation for trustworthiness and confidentiality.

• She or he is “marriage friendly,” shares your belief that existing relationships are better salvaged whenever possible.

• You both feel comfortable and safe with the person you choose (some counselors offer a free initial consultation to get acquainted and to discuss options).

• The counselor doesn’t allow verbal conflicts to escalate in the sessions, but sets clear boundaries and gives directions for constructive ways of interacting.

• He or she focuses on your strengths--and on the underlying good reasons you chose each other in the first place--and helps you rebuild your relationship on the basis of those strengths.

• The counselor suggests assignments to do between appointments, using the sessions as “huddles” in which the two of you (the team members), meet with your chosen coach for direction and encouragement in practicing new behaviors where the real progress must be made-- at home.

• Your counselor is willing to refer elsewhere if necessary--for individual counseling, for a more intensive marital recovery program, or to another therapist--if no progress is made after a reasonable period of time.